Paltan Movie Review: This is the Most Hilarious Review of JP Dutta's War Saga
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Paltan Movie Review: This is the Most Hilarious Review of JP Dutta's War Saga

Paltan Movie Review: Should you watch this war drama? Read this funny review and decide!

  • Movie Name Paltan
  • Director J. P. Dutta
  • Actor Jackie Shroff, Arjun Rampal and Sonu Sood
  • Rating
  • Rating 0.5/5 Stars

Actual Rating. 5 bullets. In my head.

Paltan is a major breakthrough in medical history. Soon DVDs of Paltan will be available at a pharmacy near you, replacing all sleeping pills from the shelf. The best part is that it doesn't have any side effects and a dosage of 30 minutes will put you to deep sleep. Tada!!


The first half of the movie is maverick. The tension between India and China at the border is palpable. The conversations between the army heads of the two countries are the kind of dialogues that will redefine the writing process in the industry.

Arjun Rampal (a colonel in the Indian army) sternly asks, "Yahan bunker kyon banaye?"

The Chinese head replies, "Bunker yahi banega".

Bunker kyon banaye????
Yahi banana!!!!
Bunker kyon banaye???????
Yahi banega!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kyon banayeeeeeee???????
Yahi banegaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!

This goes on for 30 minutes. In defeaning decibels. Till you sleep, turn deaf or eventually die.

However to give credit where it's due, there are variations in this set up too. Like a close up shot, a tiiiiightttt, verrrrryyy tight close up shot of Arjun Rampal and the Chinese officer. Like they are so close you don't know whether they would punch each other or start kissing.

Arjun says, "Bunker kyon banaye? Tum dhokebaaz ho."
Dhokebaaz. I could feel the love. Across. Borders. I could see heart emojis appear from the bottom of the screen and fill it all up.
I almost waited for them to continue,
"Tum Gande Bachche ho."
"Tum Chi chi ho."
"Tu Susu. Tu Potty."

I wish they had done that. At least it would be somewhat entertaining.

Our soldiers though have great planning and fabulous strategies that they discuss. In the open. In front of the enemies. Especially when they can understand Hindi. Loved the confidence our soldiers showed in the movie.

And since Arjun Rampal and Sonu Sood are now senior actors, the makers have hired new vivacious young protein jars from TV. Gurmeet Choudhary and Harshvardhan Rane take off shirts and flex muscles. I was expecting an O O Jane Jana. Alas they disappointed me. But they don't disappoint at all when it comes to mouthing jingoistic lines about Bharat mata, dharti, dhool, mitti. They literally start beating their bare chests. As they rattle off their love for the nation, I could see it from a mile that the same nation they rave about, will let them down in the climax when their poor weaponry will give up on them at a crucial moment in the battle or the apathy of some senior official will let them down on the war field. That's exactly what happens in the second half. And as they die, I genuinely feel bad. For everyone in the audience for spending not only the tickets but on nachos as well. It was quite an emotional moment for me, I shed a tear or two. Sniff.

And glam quotient? Of course there is glam. There is Monica Gill. Sonal Chauhan. Esha Gupta. Her fake eye lashes. Her coloured blow dried hair. The glamour is well taken care of. In fact Esha Gupta seems like she walked out of a club song, in full make up, hence she was draped in a white sari from tip to frigging toe in that one and a half scene she appears in. Hashtag Sanskar. Hashtag Aankhon Mein Aasoon.

Paltan is a quintessential war film. There is no powerful Gaddar's Amrish Puri from Pakistan who will intimidate you. The enemies are reduced to funny voices as Chinese caricaturish toys. Followed by a Chinese Gong sound affect. But there is boodhi ma, bapu in khet, cute mashooka, hone wala bachcha, sipahi ki sagai, bade bhai ke dole and choti behan ki doli. If manipulation was a movie, it will read Paltan. Go watch it....err Not!!

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