Movie Review: Dishoom

Over to City 1016's Lokesh Dharmani
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Movie Review: Dishoom
A still from Dishoom

DIRECTOR: Dumbhead
STARRING: Dumbbells
RATING: Dumbstruck

Spoiler alert: That the movie is a spoiler.

Grave situation. The Indian captain Viraj (Wow, how creative!) is kidnapped. Hence a mountain of Whey Protein (John Abraham) is hired from India. He is given a jar of Creatine (Varun Dhawan) to help him through the case.

The boys start their work. They meet the funny man Vijayraj.

Why? Good laughs bro. Good laughs. What is a good Hindi film that cannot derail, stop for a while, sip a cola, enjoy some popcorn and have some good laughs? Does he make you laugh? NO!

Then Whey Mountain and Creatine Jar meet the Human Italian Marble, white and expressionless, Nargis Fakri. Why? Why? Glamour bro. What is a good Hindi film that cannot titillate its audiences with some skin show, bro! We are a nation that is so frigging deprived that we would get excited to see a Donald Duck in a bikini. This is toh Nargis Fakri bro!! And mind you, her bikini shot is justified haan, before you screw my brains with your feminist objectification of women blah blah. She is rich. Rich people have pools. They have to swim. They have to wear swimsuit. Wow, that makes sense, but does she give any leads? NO!

Then the boys get down to serious business and meet Akshay Kumar in his den, which houses many naked men who look like different versions of our very own Whey Mountan and Creatine Jar. Er…why? Why? Why? Gay jokes bro. What is a good Hindi film that cannot crack lame, unfunny, unoriginal gay jokes, stolen from the Internet? Also, how else do you justify Whey and Creatine’s bare bodies? 18 pack abs banaye hain bhai. Does Akshay give any information? Yes. That he made it to the Guinness book of world records in taking the poutiest, weirdest selfie with the missing Captain Viraj. Wow, do they make any progress?

Hell yes. They meet another Italian Marble Lookalike, as pouty and anglicised (Jacqueline Fernandez). She has a heartbreaking back story though. Her father married again after her mom’s demise. Hence she ran away from her home. Awww that’s sad. Sad, that the father didn’t slap her and knock some sense into this dope of a pickpocket’s head. She has an IQ of Einstein though. She had seen the kidnapper, Altaf. She describes that he looked like John Abraham, same eyes, same face and sundry. The kidnapper is Rahul Dev.

This is John Abraham.

Er. Never mind.

Altaf is a Pashtun. Pashtun stays in Abbudin. Italian Marble Part 2 tells Whey and Creatine that she will take them to Abbudin. Why? Why? Why? They are police officers. They can go on their own. Item number bro. What is a good Hindi film that doesn’t objectify women in a sensational, gyrating item number? Come on, sing with me, Sau taraf ke…rog le lu…yeah yeah!?!?

Whey and Creatine track Altaf down but the big boss kills him before he reveals information about the missing captain. So the big boss kills Whey and Creatine as well? NO! Why? Why? WHYYYY? Logic bro. What is a good Hindi film that makes any logical sense?

But I admit, the film has some real gems man. The collar of a dog’s leash is attached with a camera that has the longest lasting battery and has such clarity that Bhansali saab is planning to use it in his next film. Then there is this Indian Captain who locates and dislocates his shoulder to sometimes hit boundaries and then sometimes wriggle out of a bomb jacket off the field. Wow, how talented!! Also, the bomb jacket defies any rules of buoyancy.

Akshay Khanna makes a comeback as a baddie and nails it yet again. He is the only saving grace of the film. Umm…maybe not. Nothing could really save this dumb-dishoom-dah! The film also marks the debut of Parineeti Chopra’s brand new waistline. The first shot of Jaaneman Ah is of her midriff that celebrates her pizzaless days at the gym.

If you can suspend disbelief, surgically detach your brains, laugh at illogical buffoonery that rolls out in the name of humour, then my dear friend, you DON’T need to watch this film. You need help.

In sympathy. 
With hugs and prayers


5 stars: Loved it. (This could make to top ten movies you must watch before you die!)
4 stars: Liked it. Recommend it. (This will help you sound intellectual and give you stuff to add at water cooler conversations.)
3 stars: Didn’t hurt. Watch it once.
2 stars: It put me to sleep. Watch it if you are an insomniac or a newly wedded couple. Winks!
1 star: Do I even need to explain this?