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Disclaimer: This is a fictional conversation between actor, producer Saif Ali Khan and director duo Raj Nidimoru and Krishna D.K... Any resemblance with the truth is purely intentional.
Saif: SRK made 'Ra.1' Salman made 'Dabangg'. I also want to become a superhero.
Raj & DK: So you want us to make a superhero film? And by the way, Chulbul Pandey isn't a superhero..
Saif: Have you seen those films?
Raj & DK: Nope.
Saif: No wonder you made films like '99' and 'Shor in the City'. They were so great that people never watched them yet the critics proclaimed them to be classics.
Raj & DK: Well, even the classics are never read, yet revered isn't it? Anyway, we already have 'Krishh', 'Drona', 'Ra.1', 'Iron Man', 'Batman', 'Spiderman', 'Superman', now what man?
Saif: Remember Rajesh Vivek?
Raj & DK: Who is he?
Saif: Arrey that Tantrik in Ramsay filmsremember 'Veerana' by Ramsay Brothers?
Raj & DK: So you want to play the Tantrik baba or what?
Saif: Modern avatar of Tantrik babain a Russian style who loves saying 'I keel dead peepul', got the drift?
Raj & DK: So we're making a Ramsay film?
Saif: I happened to watch mom's Bengali film, 'Aranyer Din Ratri'
Raj & DK: Oh! The classic by Satyajit Ray?
Saif: Yup, the classic watched by few and praised by everyone. So this film had three guys in a forest and it gave me an idea of recreating those zombies from Ramsay films against the backdrop of an isolated island. Basically a zom-com.
Raj & DK: What's zom-com? Don't tell me it means zombie comedy
Saif: Exactly! I and Kunal were just discussing what if zombies came to Indiawill we blame globalization for thatI mean after HIV, Bird Flu, it's the zombies who wreak havoc on an island at Goa.
Raj & DK: Sounds interesting. We'll start working on the script.
(Six months later)
Saif: I loved the script. But why does Kunal Khemu get the best lines?
Raj & DK: It's the character he's playinga smart aleck you know.
Saif: Isn't it Veer Das who can be good with one-liners?
Raj & DK: Trust us, he'll suit the part. Veer Das can reprise his 'Delhi Belly' role and we'll make him look like a distant cousin of Ayushman Khurana. There's also another actor Anand Tiwari. All he has to do is roll his eyes in shock and wear a 'fattu' expression throughout the film.
Saif: Perfect. I want you to shift your focus from these two characters in the second half and increase my role.
Raj & DK: How can we shift focus to a Tantrik?
Saif: I am not just a Tantrik. I keel dead peepul! And by the way, I am the producer.
Raj & DK: Let us trywe'll make you look like some Schwarzenegger and you get to mouth the immortal line, 'I'll be back!' Music will be by Sachin Jigar and we'll import Dan MacArthur and Lukasz Pruchnik to do the cinematography.
(After watching the first cut)
Raj & DK: The second half looks like a video game, isn't it?
Saif: If SRK can make a video game for his son, I can also become Boris and shoot zombies.
Raj & DK: Hey but what's that logic of shooting cocaine in the air?
Saif: That's the pause button folks! Kabhi video game nahi khela kya?
Raj & DK: We believe we were on the right track during the first halfthe second half is turning into a zombie shooting gore fest and wasn't this supposed to be a zom-com? Where's the comedy?
Saif: Zom-com is the allureto draw audience in the theatre. On second thoughts, 'Go Goa Gone' is a film with social message. In fact it's the longest anti-smoking and doping ad ever to hit Indian screens.
Raj & DK: When did this happen?
Saif: Our zombies are far better than that 'yeh hai Mukesh ki kahaani' and 'itna taar aapko beemaar, bahut beemar banaane ke liye kaafi hain' kind of anti-smoking ads audience is subjected to.
Raj & DK: Got it.
Saif: So what do we know?
Raj & DK: That we are making an anti-smoking, anti-doping ad film.
Saif: And what did we learn?
Raj & DK: That Ramsays were far better at making zom-coms though they were unintentionally funny
Raj & DK: Oops! We mean to say we are making India's first zom-com.
Raj & DK: We thought you were endorsing LaysWe've hinted a sequeldo you think this film will succeed?
Saif: Bade aaraam se! Take this
Raj & DK: What's that?
Saif: Saif Babaji ki booti. Oonchaiyo ko gehraaiyo mein leen kar dijiye, Khopdi ke RAM se brain ka spam clean kar lijiye, yahan logic-illogic mein koi bhed nahin hain, Illuminati Films ke is seedhe prasaran mein rukaavat hain, magar rukaawat ke liye saala koi khed nahin hain. Story ke middle finger mein Zombie ki angoothi hain, Babaji ki booti (coughs) Babaji ki booti.
Raj & DK: Saif Babaji, we love you.
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