'Talaash’ review

The only problem watching a who-dun-it movie alone is you can't claim to have guessed it right for the sheer lack of a ‘witness friend'. The moment ‘interval' word appeared on the screen I figured out the real culprit. But there were two guys sitting next to me who were busier guessing the killer than appreciating the layers of a film disguised as a suspense thriller while it's actually about surviving loss of a loved one. 

 Despite my resistance, I was forced to eavesdrop on varied guessing games in hushed tones around me inside a jam-packed auditorium replete with Friday-film enthusiasts. Here's a fictitious account of the one-upmanship between two smartass guys:

Guy 1: They call ‘Talaash; a suspense thriller! I am going to crack the suspense in just ten minutes.

Guy 2: Wanna bet?

Guy 1: Yup! Whoever wins will get Rs. 1000/-.

Guy 2: Done.

Guy 1: How boring opening track! I was expecting a svelte Kareena donning red apparel and crooning this Blues number. Ram Sampath's music is really good. I am waiting for ‘Jee le zara' song... By the way, why are they showing these roadside dogs and beggars?

Guy 2: Art, dear...art. But look at the way Mumbai's night life has been captured. Who's the cinematographer?

Guy 1: Here it is on the screen... K U Mohanan. This guy rocks.

Guy 1: This accident is purely a case of suicide yaar!

Guy 2: Shhh...Aamir Khan! Look at the way he as Inspector Surjan Singh Shekhawat checks out the accident spot. The fear of leaving marks behind is written all over his face. He is the killer. I am damn sure!

Guy 1: What makes you think that Aamir must be sitting with the superstar inside the car and drive it all the way inside the Arabian Sea?

Guy 2: Wait and watch. I read on FB. He's the killer.

Guy 1: And I read a tweet spilling the beans that it's Rani!

Guy 2: She looks so plump! How can she manage to wriggle out of the car once it sinks inside the sea?

Guy 1: Nawazuddin is a scene stealer! A chameleon...he can take up any challenge thrown at his way.

Guy 2: Rani, as Aamir's wife must be having an affair with him...and they plan the murder. Case solved boss! Give me my thousand bucks.

Guy 1: Hold on...the superstar's friend can also be the one...

Guy 2: Why are they bringing this rona-dhona of Aamir and Rani losing their son? Wasn't this supposed to be a suspense thriller and not a ‘Mission Kashmir' where Sanjay Dutt and Sonali Kulkarni keep lamenting over their son's loss?

Guy 1: Maybe the director wants to flaunt her ability to capture Aamir and Rani's acting prowess...they're great at emotional scenes!

Guy 2: Spare us that emotional attyachar! Thank god we have Kareena as the ‘Rosie' - the hooker. She looks smoking hot!

Guy 1: Tu joke to comedy acha kar leti hain. Magar problem yeh hai ki mujhe aasaani se hasi nahin aati. Smart dialogues man!

Guy 2: Courtesy Farhan Akhtar and Anurag Kashyap.

Guy 1: Well it shows! I also liked that line Kareena said  - Saala dukaan kholi nahi ke curfew lag gaya...I still feel it's Rosie....

Guy 2: Hey you said it was Inspector Surjan Shekhawat!

Guy 1: Well, on second thoughts...it can be her...I mean why can't she be the killer? Maybe the superstar didn't pay her up or refused to marry her after having sex with her.

Guy 2: Quite possible...but then it can be the pimp Nawazuddin Siddiqui's character Lemru works for...

Guy 1: Or maybe that old prostitute...?

Guy 2: Hey you'd better stick to your previous guess...you said it was Rani who killed the superstar.

Guy 1: It can be the superstar's friend too or perhaps his wife?

Guy 2: Maybe but we'll have to endure this rona-dhona and yawnathon of a conversation between Kareena Kapooor and Aamir Khan...Like him, we, too, are feeling sleepy now!

Guy 1: I got it! It's Shernaz Patel...see she conducts séance and maybe she asks the soul of Aamir's son to kill that superstar. Maybe the superstar was the one who killed her husband Inspector Billimoria....

Guy 2: Stop suspecting everyone. Okay let's get the rules straight. We can guess only two suspects.

Guy 1: Well, that will make it 2+2=4 suspects!

Guy 2: 2+2=4. I got it! It's the ‘Do dooni chaar' girl Aditi Vasudev who plays the pimp's girlfriend.

Guy 1: I've already accepted the fact that ‘Talaash' is not a suspense thriller. It's a melodrama.

Guy 2: Doesn't this chase scene of Nawazuddin's character remind you of Shaan?

Guy 1: Stop reading reviews before watching a film.

Guy 2: Now the film is finally gaining pace...give me your final guess. I bet on Aamir Khan - Inspector Shekhawat.

Guy 1: Mine is Roshni Shekhawat - Rani Mukerjee or wait...is it Kareena Kapoor - Rosie?

Guy 2: Give me your final answer, we're about to...

Guy 1: Gosh! My second option just got killed. So final guess still remains Roshni Shekhawat.

Guy 2: Hey how can this be possible yaar? They showed this character in front of a mirror and even a reflection in one scene!

Guy 1: We'd better demand our 1000 bucks we spent on ‘Talaash' from Excel Entertainment.

Guy 2: The best way to redeem our money is to tell everyone the suspense and hence avoid them from watching Talaash.

Guy 1: As if everyone will believe us!

Guy 2: Even we believed what people said on social networking sites that it was Aamir or Rani. You know what; the real culprits are the writer Zoya Akhtar and writer-director - Reema Kagti. 

Guy 1: Raaz 3 was better. It at least knew what genre it belonged to, and wasn't a mix breed!

Guy 2: Forget it, let's update our status and spill the beans!

Both gave a hi-fi and disappeared in the crowd, making me wish I were part of the wager to grab those 1000 bucks for guessing the suspense right. Nevertheless, people with good taste for cinema would still appreciate ‘Talaash', the 'spill-the-beans' status updates notwithstanding.